In my role as a Marriage & Family Therapist, I often hear that they have difficulty communicating.  The most common statement is that they are not able to resolve their conflicts satisfactorily.  Over time of not resolving, a relationship will have difficulty, as trust will be compromised.  When we do not trust that the other will be able to hear what we have to say and come to some resolution, we begin to shut down emotionally.

So when you have something that might be difficult or complicated to talk about with your significant other, ask if it is a good time, or when would be a good time to discuss the topic you have in mind.  This way, the other has some time to think about the topic and to be in a better place to listen and to share their thoughts and feelings.  Just because you have been thinking about this issue, does not mean the other has.   I believe this is a respectful way to address issues and not assume that because you think differently it is an insurmountable problem! 

Listening to the other, contrary to popular opinion is not about agreeing with the other on any level.  Listening, on the other hand, is having all the information you can in order to understand all the other is saying to you.  Once you have an understanding, not agreement, you can share your thoughts and feelings and have your partner listen to understand what you have to say.  This way of listening to each other builds trust in the relationship and thereby a smoother path to resolution.  It also is a more respectful way to discuss complicated or difficult issues.

I find that people are trying to build their defense to whatever is being said, rather than hearing what is being said.  This is a normal reaction, as we may feel attacked.  It is so important, therefore, to really assess if you are being attacked or simply uncomfortable with the information.  It is normal when we are uncomfortable to defend ourselves and make a case for whatever is our “position”.  This is the difference between a debate team and a loving relationship.  At some level, we need to accept the love the other has for us in order to put our “opinions” aside and hear what is being said.   Recognizing that it is not a problem that the two of you have different ways of thinking about or looking at a particular issue is an important step in getting to listen what the other is saying.  Once we really “get” the other person, it is amazing how quickly we can usually resolve our differences collaboratively.

There is nothing easy about communicating effectively and resolving our conflicts satisfactorily, but it is a behavior that can be learned and changed.  That is the good news – it is not part of our personality – but rather learned behavior.  Take a risk and learn healthy, effective conflict resolution!  It will go a long way in your relationship, even if that has to be in co-parenting.  Even if your relationship has not flourished and you are divorcing, you will have co-parenting issues to resolve.  Why not make it easy on yourselves.

Gerry Blakeman, LMFT is currently in private practice in Scottsdale. She and her husband, Ken, are certified instructors for Couple Communication Program and teach this 8-hour skills building program a few times a year at St. Patrick’s Church. Please feel free to contact her at (480)367-1660 x3 or gerryb@gdc.phxcoxmail.com

Gerry Blakeman has been in private practice for ten years as a Marriage and Family Therapist in Scottsdale, Arizona. She enjoys working with families and couples to make the changes needed to assist with their growth as individuals to be better within their family system. As a Marriage & Family Therapist, her focus is on assisting couples to hear one another and address the emotionally uncomfortable areas in their relationship. She is a Clinical Member of the American Association of Marriage & Family Therapists and a certified instructor for Couple Communication Programs.