As a Marriage and Family Therapist, a significant issue with families, couples, and individuals has a frequent focus on how to effectively communicate. Often, I will hear one person tell me what a great communicator they are, but the other person just doesn’t “get it”. Unfortunately if this is the case, then the communication doesn’t work for anyone. Regardless of what you do for a living, whether or not you are in a significant relationship, or if you are working towards co-parenting with an ex, it is beneficial to consider ways to improve your communication.

As a parent, I will often tell my young children to “use their words” instead of whining or crying or throwing a tantrum. This is also true for adults. For some, it is too vulnerable or too uncomfortable to say what we are actually thinking, feeling, or wanting. Instead we will use covert tactics like dropping what we think is a very obvious hint and then getting extremely angry when the other person is not a mind reader and doesn’t respond accordingly.  For example, “I would love to go to the game on Saturday” translation “Will you watch our children so I can go to the game?” It’s important to “use your words” and state your truth. 

If you are clear on what you are requesting or offering as concrete feedback to another person, it’s important to make sure the other person is in a place to receive and listen. I suggest starting by asking the person, “Is now a good time to talk?” or “I would like to talk to you about something when you are ready”. Timing is critical, because we are greatly affected by the other events going on in our lives. For example, if you were just stuck in rush hour traffic after being in a grueling two hour meeting and you walk in the door, you might need a minute before being asked for a favor or being ready to receive feedback!

When there is intensity or passion involved in a conversation, we tend to talk faster and louder. Often when I work with couples who are divorcing and developing a new relationship as co-parents, the emotion is still very strong.  You can’t control the other person’s reactivity, but you can calm yourself by taking some deep breaths and lowering your voice. This takes significant effort and a level of mindfulness at times, but you will find the other person will mirror your tone and pacing and it will potentially prevent you from saying something (or doing something) you might regret.  Choose to stay in your adult self, versus the tantruming child, and try to listen to the other person before responding with your argument. If you interrupt someone, then you cannot also be listening at the same time. The only way to get to resolution is to listen and attempt to understand the other person’s perspective and work towards coming to a compromise together.

It is by no means an easy task to consider things from the other’s perspective, but isn’t that what you are wanting them to do for you? The next time you find yourself disagreeing with someone, take a step back and consider if there might be an alternative way of looking at the situation. See if you can take the judgment of “right and wrong” out of the equation and simply validate that you can see and understand how the other person might think of the situation. Stating that you can understand why they think and feel a certain way does not mean you are agreeing with them, but it does show that you have heard their side. As a result, they are then more likely to consider your perspective as well.
By stating your needs clearly, having an awareness of the context of a conversation, attending to the intensity of conflicts, and exploring alternative perspectives, you will already be improving the odds of the other person “getting it”. Using these tools will help you be a better communicator…which moves you closer to a win-win resolution.

Rachel Thomas, MA, LMFT is currently in private practice in Scottsdale. Please feel free to contact her at (480) 888-5380 or rachel@therapywithheart.com.  Her website is www.therapywithheart.com.

Rachel Thomas, has been practicing for over 10 years and is licensed in both Arizona and California as a Marriage and Family Therapist. Rachel's private practice is located in Scottsdale, Arizona. Her passion is to help people grow and make changes in their life. As a Marriage and Family Therapist, she focuses on relationships and how we interact with the people in our world. She is a Clinical Member of the America Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) and is also on the Board of Directors of the Arizona Division. She is an adjunct instructor of the MFT Concentration at Ottawa University's Graduate Counseling Program, and is an AAMFT Approved Supervisor. She is actively involved with New Song Center for Grieving Children and Those Who Love Them, as a trainer and member of the Program Committee. She is also on the Professional Advisory Group of RESOLVE, the National Infertility Association, and provides trainings and workshops for both organizations throughout the year.